But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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