Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i now understand why vodka
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
