You're completely useless in the revolution.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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