I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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