Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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