No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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