How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just cropdusted the office
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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