turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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