it hurts more in the daytime
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
