He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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