There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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