It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
