I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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