I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
