I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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