I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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