I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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