gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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