I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
did i walk over a car last night?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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