She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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