I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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