Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
