I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
