omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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