I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize