update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
