are you still at the devil's house?
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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