i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
