i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
please don't ironically join a cult
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