Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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