im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
