Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
