we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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