Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
