I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
