i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize