yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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