if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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