That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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