I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
