Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
