The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
