she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
