I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
