sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
