I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
