i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize