Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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