If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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