i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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