I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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