You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
this hospital has no fireball
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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