if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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