He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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