You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
