just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
