i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
