that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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