i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
