If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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